Updated: Oct 30, 2022
We all have some sort of fear. Some fears are deep-rooted in us. Sometimes we aren't even aware of them but they are there, in our subconscious, guiding or limiting us in all that we do. Other fears come and go, changing with time.
Fear has kept me back on many occasions. I've always thought I had to have everything figured out before I could do this or that. It had to be perfect before I could continue.. and then, nothing would happen. I would freeze and let time psyche me out, or just wait. Until the opportunity slipped me by.
Fear comes in so many forms and looks different for everyone.
Fear of taking risks because it might not work out as planned, fear of failure, fear of being judged, fear of taking a leap of faith into the unknown because then, "safety, control, and security" are lost and what will happen then!?
It's uncomfortable and unpredictable.
The times I didn't let fear lead me, were the times I felt divinely led. Like something beyond me was pulling me towards a specific path.
I remember the first time I felt this pull. It was in 2014 when I knew I needed a radical change in my life. I decided to leave home and take a plane to Hawaii and then Nepal for a 6-month mission trip. I made this decision within two weeks after many signs and confirmations. No one really understood why I needed to leave and many strongly disagreed but I just knew I had to go. Right then. Not in a few months. I felt led somehow.
That trip was life-changing for me. Literally, my entire life changed. It was the first time I had truly connected with myself and faced a lot of emotions and experiences I had been suppressing. It was also the first time I had truly independently connected spiritually with God. I felt free, authentic, and light. I felt complete. Which was very new to me.
On the trip, I met this super cool, tall Swedish guy with long hair and he became my best friend. Before embarking on this 6-month journey I had told myself that guys were off limits. This was time for ME and all guys were jerks anyway so why waste my time? I had major trust issues.
Life had other plans though. Frej was so foreign to me. Not just because he was Swedish but because of who he was. He was unlike anyone I had ever met before. He felt so safe to me. He was genuine, sweet, funny, wise, and musically talented (my weakness). Our values and beliefs were aligned. We understood each other and had fun together. We were connected. Soulmates. And we felt that almost immediately. We got married 11 months after meeting and I moved to Sweden.
I can't imagine how my life would have turned out if I would have ignored that pull.
Frej was excited to start a family right from the start but I was afraid. One of my biggest fears was becoming a mother. I was terrified of not being enough and losing myself in the process. I had to have it all figured out before even having the thought! Ha! That's funny.
But we decided to go for it five years into our marriage, quite spontaneously actually. This was the second time I felt this pull. It felt like complete divine intervention, it didn't come from me but in my soul, I knew it was time. It just felt right.
Becoming a mother was the best thing that's ever happened to me. In creating and nurturing new life I learned so much about myself. Things I was never aware of. My weaknesses, my triggers, and my faults. I discovered how powerful and strong I really am, not only physically. I discovered a new and deep sense of joy and fulfillment.
I was so afraid of losing myself and in a way I did. I grew out of the old me. Motherhood was a rebirth.
After losing our second child through miscarriage, I went into a deep depression. When we started talking about trying again I was terrified it would result in a re-run of the last. I couldn't go there again. Fear led me for a year, and that year was followed with negative pregnancy tests month after month. I was convinced we were done. We decided to see a fertility doctor, surrendering the outcome, and that month I got pregnant! Naturally. Before I had even made the appointment.
Isn't that crazy? Fear gets trapped in our bodies and limits us even physically. My body was in survival mode. My mind convinced me that it was dangerous for me to get pregnant and so I didn't. Until I surrendered the outcome along with my fears.
The thing about fear is that you have to work with it constantly. Acknowledge it and continue on your way. I had to remind myself that it was safe for this baby to be in my body.
My first trimester was excruciating. I was so afraid it wouldn't work. I was terrified to feel the pain of depression and loss again. I felt like a deer in the headlights, frozen, until our12-week ultrasound where we saw our perfect girl. Complete with all her fingers and toes. A heartbeat.
Right now we are experiencing the ultimate pull and practicing surrender and trust like we never have before.
After 7 years of living in Sweden, our family is attempting to make our big move to Miami. My home city. There are so many things that have to fall into place but we are surrendering the outcome and taking the plunge. Frej quit his job 6 months ago to study for the USMLE, taking gigs around the country in the meantime. He passed his first test and is studying for the second one now. I am in awe of his hard work and dedication. We are selling all our belongings and moving into a furnished home before the baby comes in December until it's time for the big move hopefully next Spring. All the while I'm in the process of a career change into mental health which is very exciting!
There is so much going on, so much change! We are venturing into the unknown where "safety, control, and security" are lost but in a way, it feels like we are more in control than ever.
We have surrendered fear and control and we are being divinely led. Following the pull. Trusting that whatever the outcome, it will be ok.
Is fear keeping you from anything?
Is it keeping you from expressing yourself freely? Being truly authentic to even just yourself?
Is it keeping you from the person you really want to be? The life you really want to live? The career that excites you?
Take the risk and follow that pull. Sit in that discomfort for a little while. You'll see that's the very thing that makes you feel alive. And who knows, maybe its the best decision you'll ever make.